Eating Disorders and Inner Violence: From Stockholm Syndrome to Self-Abuse

Introduction: When We Become Our Own Tormentor

There exists a particularly insidious form of violence in eating disorders: the one we inflict upon ourselves. This self-violence goes beyond simple self-criticism to become a genuine inner controlling relationship, a Stockholm syndrome with oneself where victim and perpetrator inhabit the same body. This toxic dynamic, rarely explored from this angle, nevertheless sheds new light on the maintenance mechanisms of EDs.

In my Paris practice, I observe daily how people suffering from eating disorders develop relational patterns with themselves that they would never tolerate from others. This awareness - that we often treat ourselves worse than we would treat our worst enemy - often constitutes the first step toward healing.

Understanding this toxic relationship with oneself not only allows decoding the deep mechanisms of EDs but also identifying why some people are more vulnerable to external controlling relationships. For those who have learned to be their own tyrant have difficulty recognizing tyranny when it comes from outside.

Inner Stockholm Syndrome: Becoming Attached to What Destroys Us

Anatomy of Self-Control

Stockholm syndrome describes the paradoxical attachment of a victim to their aggressor. In EDs, this phenomenon plays out within the person themselves. The "controlling" part - the one imposing restrictions, rules, punishments - paradoxically becomes a source of security. We become attached to our own system of mistreatment because it gives us the illusion of control in a world perceived as chaotic.

This tyrannical inner voice ("you're too fat", "you don't deserve to eat", "you're weak") becomes familiar, almost comforting in its predictability. Like the hostage who ends up defending their captor, we defend our self-destructive behaviors: "It's for my own good", "I need these rules", "Without this control, I'd be lost".

The mechanism is all the more perverse as it uses our fundamental need for security against us. The eating disorder becomes a refuge, a zone of control in a life where so many elements escape our grasp. This prison we build for ourselves becomes our home, and the idea of leaving it terrifies us.

Cycles of Inner Violence

Like any controlling relationship, EDs follow predictable cycles of violence. The tension phase builds gradually (growing food anxiety), explodes in crisis (extreme restriction, binge episode, compulsive exercise), followed by a "honeymoon" phase where regained control brings temporary relief, before the cycle begins again.

These cycles create real neurological dependence. The relief felt after restriction or purging activates the same reward circuits as certain drugs. Our brain literally becomes addicted to our own mistreatment, reinforcing the inner Stockholm syndrome.

Vulnerability to Controlling Relationships: Prepared Ground

When Inner Violence Attracts External Violence

People who have developed a toxic relationship with themselves show increased vulnerability to external controlling relationships. Accustomed to their own inner violence, they struggle to recognize warning signals when this violence comes from outside. What should alert seems normal, familiar, almost reassuring in its resemblance to their inner dialogue.

The statistics are telling: 75% of people suffering from EDs have experienced or will experience a toxic relationship, compared to 30% in the general population. This overrepresentation is not random. The ground has been prepared by years of self-mistreatment that have normalized violence, lowered standards of what is acceptable, eroded self-esteem to the point of believing they deserve such treatment.

Perpetuation Mechanisms

The toxic external relationship often reinforces and legitimizes inner violence. The manipulative partner, toxic friend, abusive parent become external echoes of our inner critic. Their words confirm what we already tell ourselves: "See, you really are worthless", "He's right, you're too fat", "You deserve to be punished".

This external validation of our inner violence creates a particularly destructive system of mutual reinforcement. The ED worsens in the toxic relationship, and the toxic relationship feeds on the ED. The person finds themselves caught in double control, internal and external, from which extraction becomes extremely complex.

Self-Sabotage Patterns: Recognizing Your Inner Tormentors

The Tyrannical Perfectionist

This inner tormentor imposes impossible standards and mercilessly punishes any deviation. They transform every meal into an exam, every glance in the mirror into judgment, every social interaction into evaluation. Their voice is one of absolute demand: "It's never good enough", "You can do better", "Others manage it, why not you?"

The tyrannical perfectionist feeds on constant comparisons and competition. They transform life into a perpetual race where the finish line constantly recedes. In EDs, they impose increasingly strict food rules, ever lower weight goals, unattainable body demands.

The Merciless Judge

This inner voice spends its time evaluating, criticizing, condemning. Every action is scrutinized, analyzed, judged insufficient. The merciless judge keeps a mental record of all "faults": the extra square of chocolate, the missed workout, the undeserved compliment. They forgive nothing and forget nothing.

In EDs, the merciless judge transforms eating into a permanent court. Every food is classified "good" or "bad", every food choice becomes a moral question, every deviation proof of moral weakness. This inner jurisdiction knows neither mitigating circumstances nor statute of limitations.

The Invisible Jailer

This tormentor gradually builds a prison of rules and prohibitions. They gradually shrink the space of freedom until the person lives in a tiny mental cell. The invisible jailer says: "You can't eat that", "You can't go out without doing your workout", "You can't afford that pleasure".

The perversity of the invisible jailer is making their victim believe they chose this prison, that they hold the keys. This illusion of control masks the reality of control. The person defends their restrictions as free choices, without seeing they have become guardian of their own prison.

Paths to Liberation: From Control to Inner Alliance

Recognizing and Naming the Violence

The first step toward liberation is recognizing the violence we inflict on ourselves. This requires coming out of denial, stopping minimizing ("it's not that bad"), justifying ("it's for my own good"). Naming the violence - "I mistreat myself", "I am violent with myself" - breaks the first lock of control.

This awareness can be painful. Realizing you are your own tormentor confronts you with crushing responsibility but also immense power: if I am the author of this violence, I can also end it. This realization marks the beginning of transforming the relationship with oneself.

Developing Self-Compassion as Antidote

Self-compassion is not complacency but an act of resistance against inner tyranny. It consists of treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a dear friend in suffering. In the context of EDs, self-compassion becomes a revolutionary act that breaks the chains of self-mistreatment.

Concretely, this means:

• Recognizing your suffering without minimizing or dramatizing it

• Remembering that imperfection is part of the human experience

• Offering yourself words of comfort rather than criticism

• Treating your "failures" as learning experiences, not crimes

Negotiating with Your Tyrannical Parts

Rather than fighting head-on against our inner tormentors - which often only reinforces their control - modern therapeutic approach proposes negotiating with them. These tyrannical parts often have a hidden positive intention: the perfectionist wants to protect us from failure, the judge wants to avoid rejection, the jailer wants to shelter us from chaos.

By dialoguing with these parts, understanding their fears and intentions, we can gradually transform their destructive energy into constructive force. The perfectionist becomes kind demand, the judge becomes discernment, the jailer becomes supportive structure. This transformation doesn't happen overnight but through patient work of inner rehabilitation.

Preventing and Healing: Building a Healthy Relationship with Yourself

In my Paris consultations, I support this transformation of the relationship with oneself with patience and respect. We explore together these mechanisms of inner control, identify the tormentors and their origins, develop strategies to transform tyranny into internal collaboration.

Healing from EDs necessarily involves this inner relational revolution. Learning to become your own ally rather than enemy, your protector rather than persecutor, your friend rather than judge. It's a demanding but liberating path that allows not only healing from the eating disorder but also becoming less vulnerable to external toxic relationships.

Living and eating are two sides of the same coin. Lighten your relationship with food and free yourself from what doesn't serve you!